One million years ago, I bought Tearaway for Vita. I played the first level, went, “This is great! I love this game! I’m totally going to get the plat!”… and then never came back to it. Sadly, this is the fate of just about every new game I buy these days. But the first level of Tearaway was just so charmingly goofy that it managed to break through the cryostasis that all of my other backlogged games are forever stuck, and I beat it in one sitting last night. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to pull an all-nighter and knock this one out of my backlog. And I loved it! It was so cute! It was charming! This is like the best Vita game ever!

I am never touching this game again.

Not even for you… whatever you are.

There are still like ten bazillion collectibles that I missed. I could not care less about them. Well, okay. I feel a little bad that I’ll probably never fill out my papercraft collection. (By the way, how amazing was it that they included papercraft instructions to make the characters and items in real life?!) I also feel a tiny sting of compulsion to still grind for the platinum, because I am a completionist and it just does not do to leave a game at anything other than 100%.

This game is definitely goofy and charming, I’ll give it that.

But, man… no. I don’t know if it’s because I blasted through the whole game in one sitting, or if it’s because I am going on 40 hours without sleep, or if I just really am the world’s biggest curmudgeon. In any case, towards the end, I was just so annoyed by everything. Who puts tilt-motion controllers on a handheld system?! And not just, like, tilt-to-move (which would have been bad enough), but “tilt your system upside-down and hold it at a precise angle to line up the platforms while also trying to steer/jump with the buttons like normal.” It was cool and challenging the first time, yeah. The seventh time? Not so much.

At least it felt good to wail on these guys. Finagling with tilting platforms, not so much.

Then again, what am I complaining about? Tearaway doesn’t have a fail state, it’s generous with checkpoints, you respawn in an instant, and you can replay any level at any time. You just tilted your stick forward and ran, jumping occasionally, tapping at the back sensor to squish bad guys, and sometimes take pictures of rad squirrels. It was cake. It wasn’t that the last couple of levels were ridiculously hard (I still managed to clear even the hardest, most annoying obstacles in a matter of minutes), but that they were like jarring complex chords finishing off a relatively simple, brainless lullaby. The problem was that the game up until the tilty-platforms part was way too easy.

Good bye, squirrel king. We hardly knew ye.

I did like Tearaway. And maybe once I get some sleep, I’ll feel like coming back and trying for the plat. Just… not now.

(Also, geez, these credits have been rolling for over twenty minutes now. I’m worried my battery is going to crap out before it finishes. It takes longer to watch all of the credits than it does to clear two levels of the game.)